How The Game Began:
My daughter Katie and I have always loved our road trips. We played games, talked, invented stories, and just enjoyed our car time together. On one particular trip, Katie had just finished 8th grade and was about to turn 14, and we were driving from my place in Plantation, FL to our favorite beach in the middle keys for some snorkeling, and she was telling me about this wonderful boy she’d recently met. His family had just moved to the area, and he attended the last 4 weeks of classes at her school, and they had 3 classes together.
Katie was very animated in describing her new friend, and I just smiled and nodded along. Suddenly, she grew quiet and asked, “You think this is silly, don’t you?” At this point in our drive, we were about 45 minutes north of Key Largo in a little town called Florida City, and knowing this conversation was going to require my full attention, I pulled into some random shopping center parking lot, took a space in the shade and put the car in park.
I turned in my seat to face Katie and found her looking at me with a face filled with all the anxiousness and apprehension she was feeling. I smiled at her and said, “Honey, your feelings are never silly. This sounds like it’s your first crush, is it?” We chatted a bit, she admitted there had been other boys she’d liked, including one in 5th grade she’d exchanged love notes with, but none of those experiences came close to what she felt with this boy named Steve.
We spent another 15 minutes or so talking about her feelings for this Steve fellow, when suddenly, Katie turned to me and asked, “Daddy, who was your first crush?” I laughed and told her who it was (first and last name), and I can, to this day, still remember what she looked like, the apartment she lived in (Dayton, OH), and everything about her, including when I confessed my love for her and she told me I was a “silly boy and we were much too young for love.”
That exchange between Katie and I became what we now call Old/Young. Old/Young are questions that Katie asks,
which allow us to discuss universal experiences, but because of generational differences, our experiences would be very different.
The rules have always been:
- No judging
- Complete honesty (don’t even think about skirting around a question)
- Be willing to openly discuss your side and to ask questions about their side
Here are a couple of example questions:
- What was racism like when you were a kid? (I knew segregated drinking fountains; she knew it as micro-aggressions.)
- When did you first understand that some people were gay, and how did you feel about it? (I thought it was weird but thought “whatever” and she wasn’t surprised upon hearing her 11-year-old friend admit he was gay, but just hugged him and he’s still her friend.)
- Who was your first kiss? (Mine was Kitty G on Copeland Rd; hers was Steve.)
- What was your first long-distance car ride like?
- Tell me about your first flight.
Even if you were there when they had that experience, that doesn't mean you know what they were feeling. My dad was 100% confident on that first flight, while for me, every roar, bump, drop, and twist was scary.
Over the years, there have been 100’s of questions, some we both remember, the rest one or the other of us remembers, but regardless of who remembers, each conversation allowed us to understand each other better and to develop such a warm and close relationship.
All of That Led Me to Here:
On May 8th, I got a text from Katie that included a link to a Time Magazine article by Angela Haupt called “10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can” and a note saying “I know you’ve wanted to write about Old/Young for quite a while, and since these questions are one-sided, maybe you can write about Old/Young and answer these questions and I’ll pick one to discuss on our next FaceTime?
Here Are The Questions From The Article:
“What’s something you’re into right now that I might not know about?”
I’m on a waiting list for a pottery class. I’m on a waiting list for guitar lessons via Guitars for Vets (they don't have enough teachers or guitars).
“If your life had chapters, what title would you give this one?”
Healing From The Past.
“When do you feel most calm and grounded these days?”
When I’m writing. I’ve always enjoyed the creative part of myself (which is why I loved coding so much). I’ve loved my open mic nights and all my other creative endeavors, but sitting and writing stories and working on Letters From Prison are when I feel most grounded.
“What do you wish the most for my life?”
That you never let the world darken your soul. Like your mother, you bring peace, light, joy, and happiness to the world, and I would never want you to allow the world to dim your light. There will be challenges, some things in life just don’t work out the way we want, and sometimes all those things that don't work out can stack up and life can appear insurmountable, but you come from 3 great parents, you're smart as hell, strong, resilient and you have all the tools to shine in ways we never could… never forget that.
“What were your most painful moments?”
There are so many, and I think we’ve talked about most of them. My childhood and being sent away, the German chocolate cake for my 15th birthday (I hate coconut), the death of my sons, your other half-siblings starting a conversation with “Mom says…”, and then going on to irreparably damage their and my relationships.
“What’s something you’ve changed your mind about in the past few years?”
That parents don’t have to accept being abused or neglected by their adult kids just to maintain relationships with those kids. I always believed that both sides had to “buck up” and stay connected, but after my suicide attempt, I learned that I deserved so much better. Even if I sucked as a Dad, as a human being who was there during every step of their lives, I deserved better.
“What do you wish more people knew about you?”
Ha! I’m a pretty open book. There’s not much left to tell, but people are free to ask whatever they want.
“What did love look like in your family growing up?”
Love? What’s that? I can’t say there weren’t any hugs, but I can honestly say I don’t remember any. As a child, I don’t remember ever being told “I love you.” No one showed up at a ballgame. No one said “Good job!” or “I’m proud of you.”
As an adult looking back on Mom and my stepdad’s relationship (we called my stepdad Poopsy), I can see how he was safest staying out of things and sticking to being a provider. After I married, I made it a point to deepen my relationship with him, and when I did, I found a remarkably kind and caring man who stayed married to our mom because if he hadn’t, none of our lives would have ended well. That level of sacrifice, love, and devotion was humbling.
“What were you afraid of when you became a parent?”
That I would repeat the patterns of my upbringing. That I would not show up for all your special moments, your softball games, your ballet recitals, your school plays, and by my not showing up, you would come to believe that you weren’t important or that you didn’t matter. That’s why I was there for everything and each time we parted, it was with hugs, and I never left an “I love you” unsaid. You mattered to me, so given any opportunity, I made every attempt to make sure you knew that, and, if I ever failed you or gave you any doubt of my love for you, please tell me so I can fix it before I go (inside the family, we call this The Poopsy Talk).
“What do you hope people say about you after you're gone?”
When I was young, I had hoped they would say, “He was a good man who lived a life that others could never imagine, and he did it well.” Now that I’m older, I honestly don’t care what anyone says about me. With age and experience, I’ve lived and learned enough to know that some people will always view me negatively, some people will always have fond memories of me, and that no matter which camp they fall in, within two generations, no one will know who I am, so none of what any of them think will matter.
Epilogue:
Just in case anyone is wondering what happened to that Steve fellow, well, Katie stressed over him all summer and nearly drove me, her mother, and her stepdad Tom nuts about it. The 2nd or 3rd day of their freshman year, she and Steve reconnected and became an item. They dated all through high school and went to the University of Georgia together. After their undergraduate degrees at UGA, Steve attended medical school at Emory, and Katie obtained her master's degree at Georgia Tech. During all those years of college, they had an apartment together. After his residency, they married and bought a house not 10 minutes from where they grew up. Since the beginning of 9th grade, they have literally never been apart, nor have they dated anyone else. They found each other, grew up, matured together, and today are the most amazing, loving, and supportive couple any parent could hope for.
Now, for that FaceTime and which question she will pick...